The past week or so you've been acting different- you're usually a perfect little angel pie 99% of the day. These days you're getting more whiny and more clingy, and you're starting to want to nurse more... this is all backwards!! I'm going to wean you from breastfeeding right after you turn 1, and that's in a month! You need to be going the other direction, little missy! You've had an ear infection, so I was babying you because of that, and I don't know if you're still trying to get rid of it or if you've just decided that you need to be babied more... this "parenting" mumbo jumbo is really hard! I already overanalyze everything, and this is just the beginning. I'm in for a LONG road ahead! Writing this is helping though, because I'm realizing that while my mind is racing, wondering what to do about this little thing and that little thing, that by the time you read this, it won't have mattered either way. Although all those little things are what is going to make you the person you're going to be! Argh... now I want my mommy....
Tonight you cried for just under an hour before you finally gave in and fell asleep. Your dad let me go running for the first half hour, so I wouldn't give up and go "save" you. I thought it would help, and it did while I was running, but then as soon as I walked in the door and heard your desperate, breathless shrills, I felt so guilty for leaving! It was very, very hard.... and it's only 10:00... you've only been asleep for an hour, so the night has just begun. I'm hoping it'll be easier than I'm afraid it will be, but we'll see. I'm embarrassed to report that you're still waking up about 3 or 4 times every night to nurse, which is not average! You should definitely be sleeping through the night at this point, and you're not. I think you've only woken up once a handful of times, and you've still yet to actually sleep for more than 6 hours at a time. Sleeping in your crib will help that, because I won't be so convenient for you. Good, deep sleep is good for your cognitive development, and I just keep having to remind myself that. It's also going to help your mood during the day. Maybe you're acting out lately because you're not getting the sleep you need. Hell, maybe I'm stressing out because I'm not getting the sleep I need!! I read in my "googling" last night that parenting shouldn't be about total self sacrifice, because that's not what your child needs, and it's true. I can't be 100% engaged as a mother for you if I'm sleep deprived. I did realize that with my health- I know now that I need regular, pretty intense exercise to keep my stress level down, and even though it's hard to find time to work out, it's a priority I have to have in order to be a good mother to you. When I go several days without working out, I definitely notice a difference in regards to my patience with you and your dad. I just need to realize now that sleep is another thing that I need!
In other news, you're a WALKER now!! I'm so proud for you. I love witnessing all your accomplishments. The other week you started walking "non-coaxed," and then this past week and a half or so, you've just steadily gone from crawling mostly, to now walking almost exclusively. It is the most ADORABLE thing ever to watch your little legs work. You just see the synapses in your brain firing and the message being sent from your little brain to your little chunky legs, because there is some FOCUS in that face of yours! Your little legs move like robots, too. Clumsy, adorable, chunky robots...
Please forgive me for making you "cry it out." I promise I'm trying to do the best thing for YOU, not the convenient thing for me. This is a good test to see how I well I'll be able to stick with doing something that you may not like or understand, but that I know (or feel) is the best thing for you at the time. One of the things that I've always whispered in your ear when you cry is "Mommy's got you." I kept whispering that in your ear tonight too, when I'd check on you every 10 minutes. I've always "got you" when you need me. I may not pick you up and take you in my bed like you want, but I'm right outside the door, crying right along with you, with the confidence that we'll both get through it, and we'll both be better for it.
To end, here are a couple photos:
Here is your sweet, sweet, sweet face after your bath today. You love bathtime, and you love being wrapped tight in a warm dry towel just as much!
And here is your cute little "necked baby" self, complete with you standing up on our headboard, talking to yourself, and your hand stuck in your belly button (you're pretty interested in that mysterious thing). I love this shot. It's SOOOO "you."