Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Dear Violet,

In my "update" post I mentioned that there was something else that happened in November, but I wanted to save it for another post.  I wanted to devote a whole post to telling you my feelings about finding out that you were going to become a big sister!!  We definitely planned on getting pregnant again, but not until a year or so from now.  Well, planning doesn't always work out... and sometimes it's for the best that way.

My initial feelings were strange, and I'm hoping that I'm not the only one who feels this way about their second pregnancy.  I wanted to write it down because I don't want to forget such a big transition in thought!

I had a sneaking suspicion that I might be pregnant, but assumed I was just being paranoid.  I had a pregnancy test in the bathroom closet, so I decided to take it while Dad was at work to just put my mind at ease one way or another.  When it didn't immediately show a line (as it happened with you), I breathed a sigh of relief, but then I looked closer, and I saw a very faint line.  It was definitely a line, although faint.  I got lightheaded and just sat there for quite a while.  I really didn't know what to think.  I wasn't expecting it.  I wasn't upset, but I wasn't giddy or excited really.  It was just so shocking.  You are still so little and require so much, and although when I did the math and figured you'd be exactly 2 years apart, and that's a very common difference for siblings, it just felt too soon for me!  It was only a few months since I'd weened you from breastfeeding!  I didn't know how to tell your dad.  I knew he wasn't expecting it either.  I was expecting to reveal my next pregnancy to him in an exciting, "surprise!" way, but it didn't feel right to do it that way, because I wasn't sure how I felt about it yet.  I decided to pretty much just blurt it out while in BabyGap about 2 days later.  He was shocked, and wished that I wouldn't have told him in public!  Ha!  My announcements to my friends were also a bit "Uh, by the way, I'm pregnant" rather than "I'm pregnant again!  Yay!"  I felt bad that I didn't feel so excited, and wasn't sure why I felt this way.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that what I was feeling was possessiveness over you and our time together.  It was almost like this "new baby" was going to prevent me from giving you all my attention, which is what I'm used to, and what I cherish.  I felt like I wasn't going to be able to be there for you the way I needed to be with another baby.  This baby was going to ruin our relationship!  I know it's usually the sibling who feels this way, but it was ME that was feeling this way!

.....THEN I realized how utterly silly and naive that sounded to say out loud, even to only myself.  This "baby" that was going to "get in between you and I" was MY baby, just like YOU are my baby!!  I'm going to feel the same way about this child as I do you.  It's embarrassing to even type that I felt that way (how immature)!  My mom told me that when you have more than one child, your love doesn't split in two, it doubles, and it really hit me that it's just SO HARD to imagine loving someone as much as I love you, and that's what was making it hard to deal with.  I was worried that I wasn't going to like this kid as much as you!

Well, I'm now almost 19 weeks along, and I've been feeling the baby kick for a few weeks now, and we got our ultrasound this morning and found out that this little baby in my belly is a little brother for you!!!  Feeling him kick really helped me start to "bond" with him and feel those feelings of pride and love for the new life growing inside me.  Seeing him swim around on the screen and finding out he's a little boy was nothing short of spectacular.  It wasn't any less emotional than when I saw you swimming around on the screen, and that was such a relief!  I was worried that the moments I remember most about your pregnancy and birth wouldn't be as special the second time, but so far I have no reason to worry.  I didn't have a preference either way on the sex, but when she announced "this is a little boy!" I just burst into happy tears that wouldn't stop flowing.  I couldn't stop smiling, and felt so happy to be his mother.  I can't wait to meet him, and I no longer feel that our relationship will be compromised.  :)  I know you're going to love him, and I look forward to watching you two grow up together.  The thing I'm most looking forward to right now is hearing you two talk to each other as very young kids when you don't know I'm listening.  The things your cousins have said that your aunts have heard just keep me laughing constantly!  It's going to be life changing and amazing to be the mother of you AND a little boy.

I promise that although yes, I won't be able to rock you to sleep EVERY night when he gets here, I will always, always love my sweet baby girl, and I'll do my best to never ever ever make either one of you feel left out.  It's an amazing feeling to feel this kind of love for 2 babies.  I thought it was absolutely impossible to hold more love in my heart than I did a few months ago... but I was wrong.  I can't wait to be the mother of TWO perfect babies, and experience all the joys and lessons we'll all learn together as a family.  My life feels much more complete now that your brother is in it.

I love you both!


  1. Kerry, you're going to love that you wrote those feelings down-- in such an eloquent way. You'll make a great mom to both of them! I'm so proud of you and am so glad to be able to watch your family grow close and strong. The love just keeps growing! Love you all!

  2. I read this the other day and have been wanting to get back on here and comment - CONGRATULATIONS!!! So happy for you that you're having a boy!

    I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. My first two are almost 5 years apart (not my plan!) and so #2 was definitely longed for - but Finn and I had been buddies for so long together, it was only natural for me to worry about him having to share me now! And then #3 was a total surprise, therefore they are only 23 months apart. I was still nursing AND he was still sleeping with us at 14 months. I felt so horrible, thinking I was robbing him of his special baby time. It was definitely a little tricky at first, trying to cuddle with them first thing in the morning if they both woke up crying. BUT - as usual, God's plans ended up being so much better than mine would have been. They are such good friends (and I know Cary feels the same way now about Winnie and Rush's age difference), even if they also fight a lot, too, ha!

    As usual, you remind me to write down more details of how I'm feeling at the time as a Mom. I don't do it nearly enough. You're doing such a great job!